Chapter 2 - Another wee kick start

Hello my people!!!!

After a suitably hard and laborious period of hard work, sensible eating, and not nearly enough fun I'm back on the shakes for a week to break the18 stone barrier. So what better way to keep me on track for the next seven days than a return to my blog charting the ups and downs of starving for a week.

With friends Elfyn, Adele and Nat all starting this week it's my turn to jump on the bandwagon and yesterday was day one. I would like to have posted this last night but the aching in my legs after 90 mins of badminton (undefeated, how things have changed!) combined with Scotlands pathetic perfomance at footy kept me glued to the sofa for the evening.

So how is it the second time round?

Surprisingly ok.........

Yes i'm starving and my belly is talking more than I am, but it's ok. The one pisser is the weather. I had planned a wee boost on the shakes and was saving it for a week of shitty weather where I can't get on my bike (New Bike!!! If i start writing about it now i'll never stop, as the Welsh do say, I Loves It!) and the weather forcast yesterday morning said heavy rain for the week, cue the shakes.......and then cue the f%cking sunshine! How typical eh?? But as magnus said, I've started so I'll finish.

So here we are , weighint 18st 6lbs yesterday morn and I have enough shakes to see me to Monday. In true tradition Rob "How will I ever beat Jo at Badminton ever again?" Turner has also started to keep me company, go'n yersel pal!

Let's see how easy it is from now on.............

The Final Chapter..........Of the first Blog anyway

Well ladies and germs the story ends here, for a wee while at least.

After being offered deals from Hollywood for the movie rights to my blog (Bruce Campbell was going to play me) I am having to forgo immortal status on the silver screen, not to mention all the book deals, on instructions from the doctor.

It seems I have been overdoing it on the exercise front and it isn't conducive with this type of diet, 560 calories a day is not enough when I'm burning over 1000 on my bike daily.

I was given a choice, give up the shakes or cut back on the exercise. I just cant risk loosing the exercise bug I have right now and to be honest the fear of having to come back on this diet will keep me on the daily fitness path!

So a huge thank you for all the support, with my 12 disciples, sorry followers, on the left I have felt like a slimming Jesus, yet more proof I could run a cult.........

As well as you guys a huge thank you to Rob "Going down at badminton next week" Turner for accompanying me on the path for the last 16 days where I have lost a whopping 2st 1lb. Rob "Please don't beat me by too much Jo" Turner has himself lost a huge 1st and 7lbs. I couldn't have done it without you pal.

To the guys in work, you know who you are, thank you for the support, you made weekdays so much easier than weekends to deal with.

And of course to my family, who have tolerated the mood swings, smelly breath, eating in the garden and basically putting there lives on hold to help me get through this. Love you guys.

So here we are! Phase 2 of a carb free diet has begun about 30 minutes ago and my god it tasted good. Rob "Please Jo....Noooooooo........." Turner and I sat down together and enjoyed a stunning steak while planning the weekends exercise. Lets hope it's as kind to me leaving as it was going in.........

Can't imagine this phase being anywhere near as interesting the last few weeks so wont be blogging as regular although I'm sure I'll be back on for the odd update and rant :)

Peace!

Counting Chicken Aint Good

Week two weigh in a satisfying 10.5lbs lost. I note the 0.5 as it shows I beat my target :)

Why am I not bouncing for joy and the loss and passing the halfway point? Because I feel like total shite!

Starting to think I may have slightly overdone the exercise for the amount of calories I'm consuming. Obviously this is not an admission of liability or of being wrong, perish the thought, just possibly, maybe, slightly misjudged. A rather large wall has descended on my head and to confirm my fears my colleagues at work were kind enough to comment things like "Jo, you look like death dude" and "jo, you look f**ked".

I spoke to my partner in slim Rob and shockingly he too has been feeling the same for the last few days! Rob's weigh in is tomorrow morning so a nice big loss there will give us both a good boost.

So no exercise tonight on strict instructions from Tracey in work and a good night sleep and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to my bouncing idiot self.

To tired to even be sarcastic...........

Snootchie Bootchies

Half way!!!

Only two more weeks to go, with every hour that passes I'm an hour closer to the end than I am from the beginning. I suppose that would count the same for any hour up till now but it just sounds more poignant.

I'm already planning Phase 2 of Operation ByebyebigJo and it involves no or minimal carbs for another month to get used to eating again and I'll keep up the daily exercise. I've even planned my first days food, 8am July 21st 2010, but who's counting........

You might think I'm not helping myself by planning a day of glorious food but it's crazy how much I'm thinking about it! The inner meat eating caveman is screaming "WTF is going on? Feed me ya b&st*rd"

It will get easier after tomorrow.........

It bloody better, in the words of the great Kevin Smith it smells like I shit in my cereal (if only I could eat cereal). I was warned about this foul taste, and odour, but yuck! Pure minging, it's like having a 9v battery on my tongue whilst gargling wet dog. Can't use mouthwash so I've order these approved breath strips, I'm hoping they taste like sweeties, what do you think the chances are?

Fair play to Faye, she hasn't complained once, although she has pointed out that my entire "smell" has changed since starting this and is as keen as I am to reach day 28. The smell of another person in my bed would normally lead to a polite conversation with my balls in a blender but luckily I can back up the aroma with scientific fact.............phew!

So yet again I toddle of to bed to dream of double figures for tomorrows weigh in, not as confident this week as most people loose a lot less after the first, but who wants to be most people?

It's Still a F*^%ing Dark Time For the Rebellion

Well everything was on my side tonight, destiny, some might even say fate, and a healthy comparison to Star Wars in our last two encounters.

But all for naught.

Just as the mighty hero in the story was putting to the sword, sorry light sabre, the evil and vile challenge that was Darth Turner in the third and decisive set of badminton, two smelly oiks straight from the methadone clinic or more than likely on community service sit down beside the court to watch us play. Well I bottled it, my mind went down the pan and I could here Master Yoda in my ear whispering...........Ya Fanny............

So it's either a letter to George Lucas in the morning begging him to right another sequel for me to continue my path of the Jedi or take it like a man and learn from my mistakes.

Dear George.............................

Well day 13 has passed boys and girls and I am starting to rock and roll again, target weight of under 20 stone by this morning was met and I'm now a fairy light 19st 12lbs. Saturday is now a distant memory!

An extra hard push tomorrow (Day 14!!!!) may just be enough to loose double figures this week and I'll be chuffed to bits. May even throw an extra ice cube in my water to celebrate.............

Words of wisdom, wasted on the young, well, a young me anyway

I remember my Grandad once telling me "think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures".

It never really meant much to me as a teenager, I probably just nodded in agreement whilst secretly planning to raid his beer cupboard once he went to bed ........mmmmmm .......... Tenants ..... and that was back in the day with the sexy ladies on the back of the can, these teenagers nowadays are bloody spoilt with the internet.......anyhow, I digress.

Today has been a day of small pleasures.

For a start it's gone better than yesterday!

I took the family to the circus and really enjoyed, despite the smell of popcorn and hot dogs I sat back and relaxed whilst watching magicians, clowns, motor bikes, gymnasts, the list goes on! What was my favourite moment you ask? That was easy, watching Rupert Moon in the front row jump out his skin as the clown car let of a bloody loud firework. I'll be relishing that for some time to come.........

Quite confident I'll be below my targeted 20 stone tomorrow morning, my exercise bike has taken a hammering this weekend, not to mention foul mouth abuse as soon as the kids leave the room.

All in all, I'm going to bed a happy chappie ............hehehe ........Rupert ........ BANG....... :)

So sorry Grandad it's taken me 25 years to understand what you meant but you were right, relish the small pleasures indeed.

What do you mean there are 17 days left?

Do you remember the Japanese game show Endurance? Well that's what today has been like for me.

The family have all eaten at different times throughout the day and all selecting different tasty snacks from croissants with ham and melted cheese to chicken wraps with bacon and coleslaw. It was like the final round of the f%cking Generation Game watching all these goodies pass by as if on a conveyor belt, the only thing missing was the cuddly toy.

In true Endurance fashion I would have dipped my tadger in a vat of starving scorpions with a taste for the boaby for just one bite of anything.

Sorry if this has been a tad more crude than normal but it's been a f*cking long day! How the hell do people stay on this diet for up to a year? You must turn into the most miserable boring git imaginable!

I knew this weekend would be the hardest, last week it was an unknown, next week I'll be able to think "just one more weekend", today it's like "AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Looking back I'm guessing this will be the low point. I f*((&%g hope so anyway!

Taking a wee positive though, committing to regular exercise and smaller portions of food after this will be a a bloody doddle. The fear of having to do this again will have me as fit as a fiddle by Christmas!

Trying to end this on a high and that last comment wasn't jolly enough, so I'll sign off reminding everyone that Engerlund are out of the world cup :)

It Is A Dark Time For The Rebellion

My favourite film of all time is Empire Strikes Back, never gets old. Tonight I know just how Luke Skywalker felt at the end of the film. After enjoying the euphoria of blowing up the Death Star he is brought down to earth with a bump. His rebel pals get their butt kicked on Hoth only to end up getting his hand chopped off and finding out his daddy's a bad man. Yes, I share his pain..........

Rob "so near but yet so far" Turner beat me at badminton.

Yes there was no icy battle and the rebel thing is totally irrelevant but beating him a few days ago was my Death Star battle, and that makes today the day he becomes my daddy and chops my hand off.........

Just remember Rob "almost, but not quite" Turner, it's a trilogy and next time I'm bringing ewoks!

Right, back to the diet :)

Day 10 people! Double figures! after today there will be only two Fridays left, yes I'm at that stage. I need to split everything down into no more than 2 days a time, the main reason being the amazing smell of Faye's cooking. I find myself trying to taste the fumes coming from the kitchen! I'm sure I almost tasted the roast chicken tonight before Faye asked why I looked like I was snogging an invisible woman at the kitchen door, cant have been a pretty site.

So another weekend ahead, going to up the exercise to 2 sessions a day of at least an hour, heading for my target of being under 20 stone by Monday morning.

Now that I've written that I know I'll do the exercise :)

All hail Grandmaster Jo

It's been said for years by my close friends that they could see me either getting into to politics or running a cult. One of which involves brainwashing the masses in to believing my lies while squeezing every last penny out of them and the other..............oh.......wait.......

So it seems I have a natural calling, try as I might to lead a normal productive life I am being drawn to the serenity that would form the House of Jo (trademark pending).

6 people have now joined me on this mission to shift a few pounds (80 in my case) and I think I have missed the opportunity with these guys. I now need an enrolment form with a full list of assets, for your own security of course, and have badges made so my followers, sorry fellow slimmers, can be easily tracked, sorry identified.

Don't think I've ever put so many commas in one sentence before, is, there, a, limit, on, how, many, you, can , use?

As you have probably guessed I'm having a bit of an attack of the crazies. This is fantastic news and means my brain is now functioning normally after 9 days of denying the pleasures of tasty food. I'm back baby!!!!!

Definitely getting easier, if noticeably leading a more boring life. The price I need to pay for the next 3 weeks I suppose and it will be well worth it.

Be patient with me Deano, your drinking partner isnae deed!!!!

Can't sign off without a HUUUGGEEE congrats to Rob "close but no cigar" Turner who lost a whopping 14 pounds in his first week!! Yeah I know percentage wise he lost more than me but when you are in the heavyweight division it's all about the score baby!

First Week Weigh In......Drum Role Please.......

Well I had planned to build this up and create a wee story about how nervous I was pulling up in front of the chemist but I can't............I LOST 15 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A wee secret voice inside my head was whispering to me how good it would feel to loose a stone, and I did better than that!!!!

And just like the Oscars I have to thank everyone involved, from my perfect family to Rob for being my Lipotrim buddy and Steve D inspiring me to give this a bash, Deano for taking the piss and work colleagues for their support.............*sob*

Right, enough of that shite :)

What a spring in my step I had after that, bounced from meeting to meeting, feet hardly touching the ground.

Jon D in work even commented while I was standing next to him having a pee that the weight was shifting.........sexual discrimination claim???

So where from here? Well week two obviously, but can I keep up a similar loss? All the data on forums seem to suggest not but I'm going to throw myself into exercise this week and see what happens. Weird how I find it easier to exercise on this diet than before, it's like it makes more sense in my head now as a simple equation that because my daily calorie intake is fixed any additional exercise means more weight off.

Rob's first weigh in tomorrow, so expect more jubilation in tomorrows blog!

The Day Before Tomorrow

Today has been a weird day. A mix of euphoria from reaching day seven keeping to this diet 100% against the feeling that it's only been a week and there is a long week to go. I guess you just can't please some people, typical dour Scotsman :)

At least his whole thing has stopped me thinking about getting an iPad, as much as i know it's really just an XL iPod touch it speaks to my geek gene. It's probably the only high profile gadget I've not bought early in 10 years, i even resisted the email from the apple store on Saturday to let me know they where back in stock. Well done me! Think of the money I saved........Saying that I always fancied a GPS motorised telescope, it's not my fault it's a genetic weakness! If only that was true I may have been given an iPad on prescription.

So the first weigh in is tomorrow, if my scales have been lying to me I'm going to melt them down in a vat of molten lead. Jonathan the Chemist has said the most anyone lost on this programme through his shop is 9lbs in the first week. I've seen much bigger losses on forums but I don't mind telling you if my loss isn't in double figures i will be distraught. First chink in the armour maybe but I've thrown everything into this, including an extra hour on the bike tonight (while simultaneously beating Rob at FIFA on the PS3, Polson is on a roll).

So time for bed now, and to dream of double figures.

The Return of the King

Today was a great day. A historic day that will go down in the journal of world events as one of the greatest injustices ever being put right.

After years in the wilderness of inadequacy the weary hero has returned to sit on his throne as Grand Supreme Champion.

Yes, today I finally beat Rob at badminton.

You may laugh but it was no mean feat! It felt like I was wearing a balaclava lined with hot water bottles.

Before the match I took on all the advice from the minimins.com forum, Jonathan the Chemist, the two Steve's and Kate all saying don't over do it in your first week. It all made sense to me and I left for the leisure centre in calm but confident spirits.

The first shuttlecock was hit into the air and it all went out the window.

It was like I was possessed by my fallen countrymen of Culloden and the shuttlecock said "Made in England" on the side. I ran about like a demented elephant on steroids and the only thing I heard above my raging heartbeat was the booming noise of my footsteps as I ran for every shot, reminiscent of the T-Rex scene from Jurassic Park!

My secret weapon? Unquestionably the Chicken Soup Shake I had for my tea. WOW, what a taste explosion after a week of Strawberry and Vanilla, and a huge up to Steve D who said I could add a wee bit of curry powder to it. It's only 8:20pm and I'm already looking forward to my tea tomorrow!

I'm just glad Rob didn't pick up his Chicken Soup before we played or he might still be sitting on his throne.

Hail to the King Baby!

Weekend over, I made it!

Well the weekend is over, I feel like there should be a ticker tape parade waiting for me when I get to work tomorrow. Are you sure a weekend is just 48 hours?

Not only did I survive the tension that always precedes an England Germany fixture (Deutschland, Deutschland über alles) for the first time ever without alcohol and nibbles, but I then watched my lovely weans scoff pepperoni pizza and chips two feet from me without pointing out the window to distract them while I pinched a chip.

Luckily I now have a new power to resist tasty food, I imagine it will taste like the Lipotrim Peanut Flapjack............Holy Shit! Four week old dried out moose dung............what a waste of a meal last night.

It's not all been a bed of roses though, as soon I woke my first thought was "how the f%ck am I going to get through today with just two shakes?"

I suppose the simple answer was you just do.

The main benefit to this diet is how extreme it is. You can't cheat. Full stop. Ever. Or you have just wasted the starvation you put yourself through. Yeah maybe in my darkest moments I secretly hope for palpitations or some other "not my fault" reason to get off this diet and tuck in to normal food but they never last long, and they are definitely happening less.

So bring on day six, I'm ready for you biatch!

Walkers Cheese and Onion Crisps

Well day four started with ease, up early to watch Wales get pumped by the all blacks at rugby and wasn't hungry until about 10am. A few games of footy with Rob who is also having a good morning and the day was cruising by. The shake even tasted nice this morning!

Head into work by lunchtime to set up up IT after an office reshuffle and still the day is flying by, I remember even thinking "so much for the weekend being hard" in a wee smug tone.

Then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!! Out of the corner of my eye I notice them, as if planted by the Serpent from the Garden of Eden, a packet of Walkers cheese and onion crisps on Dave's Desk.

"Eat me Jo!!! No one's looking, it will be our secret" the Serpent hissed......

Now I'm no huge lover of crisps, especially without a bevy, but as I blinked a could see me eating a crisp and savouring it's salty goodness, and there was no lightening........

Could I get away with it? The thought did cross my mind for a wee second but then I looked down, saw my fat belly and turned around to leave the room. As I turned Conor was just entering the room and I'm guessing by the look on this face as I looked like a dog at a butchers window. He quickly saw off the crisps, standing out of site behind a network cabinet as he scoffed................bless, he's good to his Dad :)

As if a psychic link had now been established between me and Rob, like woman and their TOTM, he had an equally disturbing afternoon with that same snake planting a scotch egg in plain sight........the b$&tard.

So, weekends are a bugger after all and a pick me up was required, my motivation tank needed a refill. My darling Faye dug out our scales and we decided to have a peep at how I'm doing.

Ladies and gentlemen I have lost 9lbs in 4 days!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tank now brimming and bring on Sunday!!

VVVRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

Where did all this energy come from?

I must have walked 5 miles in work today and as tired as my head feels from lack of sleep my legs don't want to stop! I'm just glad I've managed to stop and have a chat in the ticket office for a rest or they may have been scrapping me up of the concourse floor!

Not had the feeling in years where you are walking fast and your body wants to break to into a jog as if it would be easier to run (in theory anyway). I did well to resist the temptation!

Spoke to Rob and he is flying, unlike me he is weighing every day and has reported a loss of 4lbs in his first day! So with that in mind I'm accelerating my exercise plan and hitting the bike tonight after my shake, can't have him out doing me :)

I'm really amazed how the hunger has disappeared so quickly, don't get me wrong i still think about food, especially with Ann describing in painfully mouth watering details her plans for her Italian cooked tomato's and goats cheese..................mmmmm roasted tomato's.

Wonderful how food can make you feel emotional, like a long lost friend, and I've only just begun!

Never mind I'm in great spirits and have the support of a fantastic family and good friends, even if they are eating ludicrously tasty food this weekend :)

Wave good bye to Big Jo baby!

Day Two.......Sort of

Coffee before bed time........why on earth would I think that would be a good idea? The need to taste something other than water was just too great........idiot.

So here I am after 2 hours of lying awake in bed thinking about food and the other thing men crave while my lovely wife sleeps peacefully.

Ah well, time to blog i suppose :)

Bit shaky this afternoon and a definite barrage of strange and unusual sensations, I think this is now officially the longest I have gone without solid food since I was weaned of milk as a baby! Quite cool though, like my belly was playing "name that tune" with me. I could maybe take that on Britain's got Talent if I can learn to control it properly.

A few people today have asked me why I started on day zero, apart from sounding cool like the after effect of a nuclear war I thought it made sense as for most of the first day I was bound to still have the contents of my blow out meal working it's way out of my system. But it does sound more cool :)

So while I document this as day two, it sure as hell feels like day three!

I could have another two loonies, sorry companions on the Lipotrim diet starting tomorrow as the lovely Natalie and her pal are heading to see Jonathan the Chemist tomorrow, surely I should be on a commission by now?

Starting to feel a bit like one of the dreaded Amway salesmen, I did work for Kirby though so maybe I've rediscovered my calling, that or I'm starting a cult...........

Day One......What's all the fuss about?

I would recommend to anyone who is thinking of giving this a bash to start with a hangover. Compared to yesterday this morning was a piece of cake! (mmmm......cake)

I was amazed to find i didn't wake up pure Hank Marvin and still had the strength to get out of bed after consuming the calorie equivalent of a rivita sandwich the day before.

Another big up for Jonathan the Chemist as his tip on adding coffee to the vanilla shake worked wonders, I couldn't taste the readybrek!! And please everyone, use a blender, what a difference.

I can honestly say that if i asked for a nutty oaty frothy coffee from Costa's and was served this i would not have complained. Still bloody hard to finish the lot though, you feel stuffed after half the dose.

The hardest thing yesterday was thinking about food all the time, and as for TV, is that all they can advertise!! It's like they know!

Well Roberto has started this journey as well this morning and as i expected i received an early morning call just after his fruity oaty shake. Well done pal, and with all good spirits put aside.......Am gonnae beat you ya radge!!!!!

First Liquid Dinner......And Misery Loves Company!

Well as hungry as i was, that was hard work.

Again took me 10 mins to drink 450ml, badly need to use the blender and not the mixing cup. Queue a trip to Comet only to realise that we have one burried in the garage (ta Faye) so tomorrow morning should be a bit less traumatic!

Not been anywhere near as hungry throughout the day as i expected to be, not till about 4pm did the the rumbling begin.

The big news today is that Rob is joining me and picked up his shakes from Jonathan the Chemist today, well done pal, better late than never :)

So Rob has a starting weight of 16st 9lbs (skinny bugger, I'm 21st 7lbs) and is going to try and keep it going for 4 weeks, knowing our competitive nature I'm now more confident than ever of seeing the month out..........I'd never live it down if i didn't!

Think I need to order the chicken soup flavour shakes tomorrow, i can see straight away i'm going to get bored of vanilla and strawberry rather quickly.

Bring on breakfast!!!!

Day Zero

Well here I go.

28 days is the target I'm setting myself, 28 days of nothing but 2 shakes a day with a healthy dose of ribbing from Rob and Deano.

Had a fantastic blow out last night, as recommended by Jonathan the Chemist, and who am I to argue with a professional?

First shake went down in about 10 minutes this morning, the mixing cup is crap, will use the blender at tea time...........seems like so long away!!!!

Tastes like readybrek, complete with chewy bits, I've drunk worse! (flashbacks to a flaming lamborgini in South Africa......*shudder*)

This has been up on my screen this morning and it's lunchtime, cant work out if i'm hungry or not. Considering how much I drank last night I am surprised I dont have the junk food craving that normally follows a good bevy.

Half way through Day Zero!!!! only 27 and a half to go......piece of piss!!!