The Final Chapter..........Of the first Blog anyway

Well ladies and germs the story ends here, for a wee while at least.

After being offered deals from Hollywood for the movie rights to my blog (Bruce Campbell was going to play me) I am having to forgo immortal status on the silver screen, not to mention all the book deals, on instructions from the doctor.

It seems I have been overdoing it on the exercise front and it isn't conducive with this type of diet, 560 calories a day is not enough when I'm burning over 1000 on my bike daily.

I was given a choice, give up the shakes or cut back on the exercise. I just cant risk loosing the exercise bug I have right now and to be honest the fear of having to come back on this diet will keep me on the daily fitness path!

So a huge thank you for all the support, with my 12 disciples, sorry followers, on the left I have felt like a slimming Jesus, yet more proof I could run a cult.........

As well as you guys a huge thank you to Rob "Going down at badminton next week" Turner for accompanying me on the path for the last 16 days where I have lost a whopping 2st 1lb. Rob "Please don't beat me by too much Jo" Turner has himself lost a huge 1st and 7lbs. I couldn't have done it without you pal.

To the guys in work, you know who you are, thank you for the support, you made weekdays so much easier than weekends to deal with.

And of course to my family, who have tolerated the mood swings, smelly breath, eating in the garden and basically putting there lives on hold to help me get through this. Love you guys.

So here we are! Phase 2 of a carb free diet has begun about 30 minutes ago and my god it tasted good. Rob "Please Jo....Noooooooo........." Turner and I sat down together and enjoyed a stunning steak while planning the weekends exercise. Lets hope it's as kind to me leaving as it was going in.........

Can't imagine this phase being anywhere near as interesting the last few weeks so wont be blogging as regular although I'm sure I'll be back on for the odd update and rant :)

Peace!

Counting Chicken Aint Good

Week two weigh in a satisfying 10.5lbs lost. I note the 0.5 as it shows I beat my target :)

Why am I not bouncing for joy and the loss and passing the halfway point? Because I feel like total shite!

Starting to think I may have slightly overdone the exercise for the amount of calories I'm consuming. Obviously this is not an admission of liability or of being wrong, perish the thought, just possibly, maybe, slightly misjudged. A rather large wall has descended on my head and to confirm my fears my colleagues at work were kind enough to comment things like "Jo, you look like death dude" and "jo, you look f**ked".

I spoke to my partner in slim Rob and shockingly he too has been feeling the same for the last few days! Rob's weigh in is tomorrow morning so a nice big loss there will give us both a good boost.

So no exercise tonight on strict instructions from Tracey in work and a good night sleep and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to my bouncing idiot self.

To tired to even be sarcastic...........

Snootchie Bootchies

Half way!!!

Only two more weeks to go, with every hour that passes I'm an hour closer to the end than I am from the beginning. I suppose that would count the same for any hour up till now but it just sounds more poignant.

I'm already planning Phase 2 of Operation ByebyebigJo and it involves no or minimal carbs for another month to get used to eating again and I'll keep up the daily exercise. I've even planned my first days food, 8am July 21st 2010, but who's counting........

You might think I'm not helping myself by planning a day of glorious food but it's crazy how much I'm thinking about it! The inner meat eating caveman is screaming "WTF is going on? Feed me ya b&st*rd"

It will get easier after tomorrow.........

It bloody better, in the words of the great Kevin Smith it smells like I shit in my cereal (if only I could eat cereal). I was warned about this foul taste, and odour, but yuck! Pure minging, it's like having a 9v battery on my tongue whilst gargling wet dog. Can't use mouthwash so I've order these approved breath strips, I'm hoping they taste like sweeties, what do you think the chances are?

Fair play to Faye, she hasn't complained once, although she has pointed out that my entire "smell" has changed since starting this and is as keen as I am to reach day 28. The smell of another person in my bed would normally lead to a polite conversation with my balls in a blender but luckily I can back up the aroma with scientific fact.............phew!

So yet again I toddle of to bed to dream of double figures for tomorrows weigh in, not as confident this week as most people loose a lot less after the first, but who wants to be most people?

It's Still a F*^%ing Dark Time For the Rebellion

Well everything was on my side tonight, destiny, some might even say fate, and a healthy comparison to Star Wars in our last two encounters.

But all for naught.

Just as the mighty hero in the story was putting to the sword, sorry light sabre, the evil and vile challenge that was Darth Turner in the third and decisive set of badminton, two smelly oiks straight from the methadone clinic or more than likely on community service sit down beside the court to watch us play. Well I bottled it, my mind went down the pan and I could here Master Yoda in my ear whispering...........Ya Fanny............

So it's either a letter to George Lucas in the morning begging him to right another sequel for me to continue my path of the Jedi or take it like a man and learn from my mistakes.

Dear George.............................

Well day 13 has passed boys and girls and I am starting to rock and roll again, target weight of under 20 stone by this morning was met and I'm now a fairy light 19st 12lbs. Saturday is now a distant memory!

An extra hard push tomorrow (Day 14!!!!) may just be enough to loose double figures this week and I'll be chuffed to bits. May even throw an extra ice cube in my water to celebrate.............

Words of wisdom, wasted on the young, well, a young me anyway

I remember my Grandad once telling me "think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures".

It never really meant much to me as a teenager, I probably just nodded in agreement whilst secretly planning to raid his beer cupboard once he went to bed ........mmmmmm .......... Tenants ..... and that was back in the day with the sexy ladies on the back of the can, these teenagers nowadays are bloody spoilt with the internet.......anyhow, I digress.

Today has been a day of small pleasures.

For a start it's gone better than yesterday!

I took the family to the circus and really enjoyed, despite the smell of popcorn and hot dogs I sat back and relaxed whilst watching magicians, clowns, motor bikes, gymnasts, the list goes on! What was my favourite moment you ask? That was easy, watching Rupert Moon in the front row jump out his skin as the clown car let of a bloody loud firework. I'll be relishing that for some time to come.........

Quite confident I'll be below my targeted 20 stone tomorrow morning, my exercise bike has taken a hammering this weekend, not to mention foul mouth abuse as soon as the kids leave the room.

All in all, I'm going to bed a happy chappie ............hehehe ........Rupert ........ BANG....... :)

So sorry Grandad it's taken me 25 years to understand what you meant but you were right, relish the small pleasures indeed.

What do you mean there are 17 days left?

Do you remember the Japanese game show Endurance? Well that's what today has been like for me.

The family have all eaten at different times throughout the day and all selecting different tasty snacks from croissants with ham and melted cheese to chicken wraps with bacon and coleslaw. It was like the final round of the f%cking Generation Game watching all these goodies pass by as if on a conveyor belt, the only thing missing was the cuddly toy.

In true Endurance fashion I would have dipped my tadger in a vat of starving scorpions with a taste for the boaby for just one bite of anything.

Sorry if this has been a tad more crude than normal but it's been a f*cking long day! How the hell do people stay on this diet for up to a year? You must turn into the most miserable boring git imaginable!

I knew this weekend would be the hardest, last week it was an unknown, next week I'll be able to think "just one more weekend", today it's like "AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Looking back I'm guessing this will be the low point. I f*((&%g hope so anyway!

Taking a wee positive though, committing to regular exercise and smaller portions of food after this will be a a bloody doddle. The fear of having to do this again will have me as fit as a fiddle by Christmas!

Trying to end this on a high and that last comment wasn't jolly enough, so I'll sign off reminding everyone that Engerlund are out of the world cup :)

It Is A Dark Time For The Rebellion

My favourite film of all time is Empire Strikes Back, never gets old. Tonight I know just how Luke Skywalker felt at the end of the film. After enjoying the euphoria of blowing up the Death Star he is brought down to earth with a bump. His rebel pals get their butt kicked on Hoth only to end up getting his hand chopped off and finding out his daddy's a bad man. Yes, I share his pain..........

Rob "so near but yet so far" Turner beat me at badminton.

Yes there was no icy battle and the rebel thing is totally irrelevant but beating him a few days ago was my Death Star battle, and that makes today the day he becomes my daddy and chops my hand off.........

Just remember Rob "almost, but not quite" Turner, it's a trilogy and next time I'm bringing ewoks!

Right, back to the diet :)

Day 10 people! Double figures! after today there will be only two Fridays left, yes I'm at that stage. I need to split everything down into no more than 2 days a time, the main reason being the amazing smell of Faye's cooking. I find myself trying to taste the fumes coming from the kitchen! I'm sure I almost tasted the roast chicken tonight before Faye asked why I looked like I was snogging an invisible woman at the kitchen door, cant have been a pretty site.

So another weekend ahead, going to up the exercise to 2 sessions a day of at least an hour, heading for my target of being under 20 stone by Monday morning.

Now that I've written that I know I'll do the exercise :)

All hail Grandmaster Jo

It's been said for years by my close friends that they could see me either getting into to politics or running a cult. One of which involves brainwashing the masses in to believing my lies while squeezing every last penny out of them and the other..............oh.......wait.......

So it seems I have a natural calling, try as I might to lead a normal productive life I am being drawn to the serenity that would form the House of Jo (trademark pending).

6 people have now joined me on this mission to shift a few pounds (80 in my case) and I think I have missed the opportunity with these guys. I now need an enrolment form with a full list of assets, for your own security of course, and have badges made so my followers, sorry fellow slimmers, can be easily tracked, sorry identified.

Don't think I've ever put so many commas in one sentence before, is, there, a, limit, on, how, many, you, can , use?

As you have probably guessed I'm having a bit of an attack of the crazies. This is fantastic news and means my brain is now functioning normally after 9 days of denying the pleasures of tasty food. I'm back baby!!!!!

Definitely getting easier, if noticeably leading a more boring life. The price I need to pay for the next 3 weeks I suppose and it will be well worth it.

Be patient with me Deano, your drinking partner isnae deed!!!!

Can't sign off without a HUUUGGEEE congrats to Rob "close but no cigar" Turner who lost a whopping 14 pounds in his first week!! Yeah I know percentage wise he lost more than me but when you are in the heavyweight division it's all about the score baby!